Thursday, April 23, 2015

Danny Tanner should come out of the closet and Uncle Jesse is now a hipster--musings on Netflix's 'Full House' reboot

Virtually all of us millennials watched the late 80s/early 90s corny sitcom "Full House" in syndication right after school.  We thought Uncle Joey was more funny than he actually was, there was something about Danny Tanner that we couldn't quite put a finger on at the time and wondered how suave Uncle Jesse didn't make it to the A-list after the show ended (thanks, George Clooney).

"Full House" rode high on the crest of the family sitcom wave two decades ago.  The early to mid 90s was an era when sitcoms with saccharine story lines reigned supreme.  You had the now cliched quirky next-door neighbor and obligatory episodes at Disney World since it originally aired on the ABC network, topped with catchphrases and a bevy of tender moments at the end of nearly every episode.  "Full House" was essentially "The Brady Bunch" of the 90s.

I, for one, can't even convey why it was popular back in the day.  Was it because we millennials simply grew up watching it?  Has nostalgia alone tricked us into holding the paint-by-numbers show in high regard this whole time?

Regardless how you felt about the show, Netflix is giving the classic sitcom a reboot.  John Stamos, in his latest attempt for relevance despite recently filming Greek yogurt commercials, announced on "The Tonight Show" that the Full House reboot, called "Fuller House," will feature D.J. Tanner as a widowed (and pregnant) veterinarian with two kids moving in with sister Stephanie, who apparently followed her uncle's footsteps by becoming a musician herself.  Plus someone (miraculously) impregnated Kimmy Gibbler, who also is going to be a regular on the 13-episode first season.  (I guess she finally invested in some Odor Eaters?)  No word yet on whether Danny, Joey, Rebecca Donaldson or even Michelle will return.

Is this all they could come up with?  Fucking lame.

First off, in order to be considered a "reboot," you need all of the original cast members to still be living under that damn roof in San Francisco; hence "Full House."  With the possibility of some not returning to "Fuller House" constitutes the reboot as merely being a spin-off; big difference.  Not to mention the name of this new spin-off is entirely misleading.  UPDATE: The last name of D.J's deceased husband was "Fuller."  Double lame.

If Netflix wants a future hit in their hands, they need to renegotiate-and be more accommodating-with the remaining principal cast to sign-on the new show.  This shouldn't be that much of a challenge considering none of them made it big after the show anyway, minus the Olsen twins and their enterprises.  But arguably they too haven't been in the spotlight as much since their made-for-video movies.  Their younger sister, Elizabeth, is actually more of a star than her two successful siblings nowadays.

Once Netflix gets all of the originals on board (including D.J.'s former boyfriend, Steve, who now suffers from Type 2 diabetes and recently had his stomach stapled from raiding too many refrigerators and eating ice cream for dinner), writers totally need to revamp the spin-off's premise by taking into consideration the following ideas by Yours Truly, which modernize the Tanner household by including contemporary trends and norms--all while keeping the show's kitschy schtick intact.  (Can you now hear the hokey saxophone musical interlude inbetween scenes?)  In other words, my recommendations/character profiles give the "reboot" a proper update, along with preserving the family-friendly tone.  Believe or not, a lot has changed since 1994.  It would be cool to see the same multi-camera show's signature corniness in a 2010s world.  

1) Danny Tanner is now out of the closet.

The Tanner family patriarch has finally come to terms with his obsessive-compulsive disorder, as evidenced by his abnormal tidiness (also, this peaked when Jesse and Joey caught him washing his cleaning products in the kitchen sink during one episode), plus is currently in a relationship with another man, whom he met during a widower's support (or cognitive therapy) group.

The gay Danny Tanner argument is greatly supported by his inability to remarry after the premature death of his first wife (or beard), Pam Kastopolis.  (I believe Vicky accepted a new job in Chicago because she also knew about his secret.)  His cleaning tendencies can also be viewed as feminine, he suspiciously left his sports broadcast reporter gig for a morning show co-host, and, most obvious of all, he resides in San Francisco, the gay capital of the United States.

As for never professing his love to Joey Gladstone, whom he known since grade school, I believe it was strictly a brotherly love between the two life mates.   

What would make the modern Danny Tanner more endearing is the fact that he would clash with Bob Saget's real life persona.  His stand-up routine is chock full of offensive, dirty material; the anti-thesis of what propelled him to stardom.

Envision a 2010s Danny Tanner with a canary yellow sweater, immaculate hair, designer spectacles and putting his arm around...former "Double Dare" game show host Marc Summers in the living room couch.  (Hey, Summers also did suffer from OCD, too.  It would make sense.)

The new Danny Tanner suggestion can be, of course, vehemently opposed by the mega Christian, Candace Cameron Bure.  (Maybe that's why Netflix went with such a trite premise since D.J. Tanner is apparently the lead.)


2) Uncle Jesse is now a hipster in order to hold onto the last remnants of his youth.

Now that rock, as Jesse Kastopolis knew, is long dead, plus financial woes at The Smash Club that eventually forced him to close it (presumably because he booked so many outdated acts in an otherwise very trendy part of the country), he is attired in girls jeans, thick black framed glasses and a Ramones T-shirt, while helping his twin sons, Nicky and Alex, mix their latest house or techno wave effort in his old studio downstairs at the Tanner home.

Uncle Jesse, the once beloved hearthrob, is in the midst of finding solace in obscurity.  In order to maintain his envied coolness, he morphs with the times.  He still straps on the guitar now and then, but is mainly focusing on mixing deep house tracks on his MacBook, plus DJ'ing at various dance clubs across San Francisco.

The lack of success over the past decades ultimately lead to his divorce with Rebecca Donaldson, too.  Still, it is 2015, after all, and the d-word is hardly anything but taboo.  Both he and Becky have managed to raise their sons without major problems.  Aunt Becky, meanwhile, has since left "Wake-Up, San Francisco" and moved back home to Nebraska, where she now owns an organic line of assorted produce that is sold to major distributors. 


3.  Uncle Joey has since shed his old and clean comedic act for something more edgy.

Joey Gladstone would be the most meta character in my proposed reboot.  His squeaky clean comedic material has gotten stale over the years; so stale that it doesn't even allow him to land a role in a kid's sitcom on a network that parallels Nickelodeon or the Disney Channel. 

He's fed up and is currently making self-produced content on YouTube or Vine.  Call it a mid-life crisis.  Appearance-wise, you could see him resemble Jesse in ways, but always wearing a hoodie or even a beanie on some occasions.  His material isn't necessarily raunchy per se, but more "TV-14" to possibly appeal to older viewers who grew up with the show; a needed break from the constant sap.

After a failed stint in L.A., Joey has since returned to Danny's house.  His buddy, comedian Brian Posehn, frequently hangs out at the Tanner family home.  He is the new Kimmy Gibbler of sorts by frequently dissing the Tanners, which his material would be a borderline parody of the series.  For example, he talks to Jesse and says, "Are you Greek because everyone else is white?"  Zeitgeist humor like that.  (This could very well work since Posehn has previously worked with Saget a number of times.)


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In conclusion, I find the absence of the three male leads in the old "Full House" series the result of the modern female fad; case in point D.J., Stephanie, and Kimmy apparently being the main stars in the spin-off. 

That's for another post, though.